The Waiting Room

It's been over 2 months since I've written anything. I was busy with finals, graduation, NCLEX, etc. about a month ago, but since then I've just been drifting... working as little as I can to get the bills paid, reading a lot of non-nursing related books; I read the Twilight series, and I have to say it's nowhere near as good as Harry Potter... still waiting (and waiting) for the fifth Song of Ice and Fire to come out though. But, anything to fill the space between all of those momentous occasions and actually starting my employment as an RN, which happens tomorrow.

To try and be honest about how I feel, without offending anyone (if that is possible in this day and age) I feel cheated. For the last two-and-a-half years I've been building up to this time, this moment when I have finished nursing school, I have my degree now! And then it happened and, well, to be honest I still wasn't a nurse. I still didn't introduce myself to people as a nurse. Because I hadn't passed my boards yet, and that's what makes you a nurse, right?

So I studied, took a review course, did some questions, did some more questions, and decided I was almost ready, so I signed up to take my boards. Then one Friday on a whim, I looked to see if there were any earlier dates available. They had that following Monday. I decided "You know what? I feel ready." So I called the lovely people at Pearsonvue and changed my date.

Then the anxiety set in... taking the boards two weeks earlier than I had planned what was I thinking!

But I went in on Monday with a good mindset, remembered to read each question and every answer carefully, and you know what? It was not that bad. I definitely had tests in nursing school that were harder than that. 75 questions. Done. Everything I learned in the last couple of years is, according to the NYS Board of Nursing is still in my brain, waiting to be recalled at a moment's notice. (By the way, a word of advice to anyone who hasn't taken their test yet: Don't pay Pearsonvue for the "early results". I did, because I didn't want to wait 2 weeks for my official results... well my license showed up in the mail two days later.)

But I still don't call myself a nurse. I passed my boards over a month ago... I am an RN. What am I waiting for? I don't think I'll feel like I can call myself a nurse until I've gotten out on the unit and started really feeling comfortable actually being one.

So, on to the feeling cheated part. I graduated at the top of my class. I was one of the first in my class with a job offer. I was, as far as I know, the first in my class to take and pass the boards. Why am I the last one to actually start working as an RN? Everyone else I know started a month or more ago. So I feel cheated, underwhelmed, and kind of indifferent at this point. Everything that I have worked so hard for, yearned for, waited for is at my fingertips, but I've lost my momentum. I think I left it in the waiting room.